Removed from the daily reads: Dilbert, Daily WTF, UF. Added: PhD Comics.

Gisteren ben ik naar Off_corso geweest. Die is een nachtclub in Rotterdam, en ik was er nog nooit gegaan - de typische avondthema is 80's and 90's, en dat heb ik gewoon geen zin in.

Maar gisteren was the thema erg anders. Villa achterwerk is een nieuwe party die van Betty Ford Clinic de plaats inneemt - en Betty Ford was de grooste party in Rotterdam voor fun en gay lovers. Het heeft verschillende stijlen van muziek (pop en techno), een heleboel mooie jongen, en helemaal gek show, en overal een leuke positieve sfeer. Gezellig! Als Betty Ford, Villa achterwerk vindt plaats elke maand; eind april ga ik zeker terug.

Trouwens is mijn agenda al bijna vol. Volgende week ga ik naar Sensation White in Antwerpen, en daarna doe ik waarschnijnlijk een paar reizen naar Frankrijk…

Drukke lente, druk leven.

• go to a gay bar, dance like crazy, hook into a random guy's eyes, exchange two times two stupid^Wsimple conversation lines, kiss, fondle and dance together, play tongue catch with an ice cube, and then leave the place with no real intent to see him again-

check.

Well, I still left him my number. He's cute and kisses well. I would not mind a followup.

Some days I look at women, shake all context and past experience out of my mind, and look at my feelings.

Then I realize that nothing prevents me from loving, sharing intimacy, having sex, support and live with one. My closest friend is female; the colleagues I go along better with are female; I find the female body beautiful, and I actually take pleasure at admiring females in art and around me. Some people have even told me I would be the perfect lover: I like to and know how to take care of a household; I can create and animate conversations; and I have demonstrated an ability to handle and educate children. I actually feel proud that many women like me.

And yet, I'm still not married and never been into a relationship with a woman. And I'm over 25!

I could, and I'm not.

I feel sometimes sub-human. Like I “miss” a feature all humans should have, even for basic reproductory purposes. I am just totally not attracted. No tingle spreading for voluptuous lips or gorgeous breasts. No out-of-the-ordinary interest for curious or brilliant female intellects. Absolutely no feeling when witnessing intimacy between males and females, or females and females. None. Nada.

And yet, I know how it feels. I have been branded several times by intense attraction at first sight, and I remember it so well that I'm still shaking of the memory. In fact, I know very well what I like and what makes the warmth spread from my heart to the rest of the body.

I do find it difficult to feel different. Especially the part about living with other people who are not this way and still be confortable. But I would give it up for nothing.

As would Shakespeare state it:

To be or not to be, that is the question —
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep —
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep —
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life,
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

That said, the acute reader could observe that some words are missing from this entry. I am actually having an vocabulary issue about it, which is beautifully explained by someone who shares the same concern.

Today was a day of rest, following a tiring fight against a cold for my voice.

But today was also a day for myself, time to organize some thoughts and renew my surroundings at home.

Inspired by a simple and clever classification system it was decided that I would stop spending time to find and decide what kind of classification hierarchy would fit the thousands of computer files I collected over years and don't want to throw away (yet).

Relieved by that thought, I was in the perfect mood for an experiment with a beautiful mind opener. The experiment was successful; upon waking up again it felt like a new birth.

And with birth comes celebration and change. I indulged myself with chocolate, then went on to experiment with new layouts for my furniture.

The afternoon and early evening were busy, and I eventually created a new home for myself. Coming up with a new layout for lighting was an integral part of this effort, and I am now feeling confortable in my living room for the first time since I arrived in this apartment.

The feeling of "gezelligheid" experienced through listening to di.fm / Mostly Classical and enjoying a beautiful view on a series of candles is totally awesome and nearly competes with the sense of fulfillment I have sometimes by looking at the sky when walking in the streets around my beloved new place.

That to say that I regret having underestimated the effect of a gezellig lighting on my mood and feelings until now. It becomes more and more clear to me that I tend to mistakenly ignore or disregard the requirements for my well-being which I cannot satisfy immediately or without effort. I noticed it many times in the past, for instance when I re-discovered music, reading, casual sex, taking care of a home, seeing friends, watching romance movies, hosting commendable guests and light-hearted conversations.

I also realize that many other things come to my mind if I let it open to more sources of well-being. And that comes with mitigated feelings, part of them fear and laziness about the required efforts and part of them curiosity and excitement about involving myself into new activities.

This incredible movie was brought to my curiosity by some pictures of its georgous cast.

Until now Notting Hill was my favourite item at the top of that list where younger people put Cinderella and other happy-ending fairy tales. But after I watched The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert I realized that Notting Hill was lacking a bit of… something. Something fabulous. Something queer. Something about chaos and immorality. Something about me.

And so here comes Ethan Green, and I can toss Notting Hill away from that list.